


Swellguy's Tome of Odds and Ends

by swellguy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crushes, F/M, Gen, Lingerie, Muscles, Pale-Red Vacillation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 11:12:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3118079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swellguy/pseuds/swellguy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enclosed within is a collection of experimental one-shots and writing prompts that I have written in the Homestuck universe, all of which are either from requests from other people or personal stories that I have done in my free time. Some serious, others not so much.</p><p>I may take requests from here in the near future, but nothing is for certain. Constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tough Love (Karkat / Jade)

**Author's Note:**

> Original request: Jade / Karkat grumpy snuggling, with a side of papshooshing.

Within a cloistered section of the trolls' meteor, two individuals sat in awkward silence across from each other. To say that their meeting went awry would be to put it lightly; what was once supposed to be an amiable face-to-face quickly gave way to inelegant stammering and restless fidgeting. The table between the two was like a gulf that was meant to be crossed, but neither of them had the gumption to do so. Whether it was out of fear of embarassment or out of respect for the other, neither of them wanted to make the first move.

Karkat crossed his arms and grumbled to himself, clutching his elbows in his usual self-loathing manner. He felt like a complete idiot, having fumbled over his words and babbled about like a raving lunatic in front of his guest. The troll normally had complete and utter control over himself and what he wanted to say. But for once, he found himself speechless. Nervously tapping his foot against the floor, he lowered his gaze away from the spirited, comely-looking human girl and down towards the table.

Jade, on the other hand, was perplexed about what has gotten into the troll more than anything else. Just a moment ago, he was shaking her hand and about to go in for a hug, only to abruptly pull back and freak out about something. She tilted her head to the side, letting her hair fall across her shoulder as she attempted to make eye contact with Karkat. Each time she came close, he would notice and shuffle to the other side of his seat, quietly grumbling to himself. After a few failed attempts to get his attention, it dawned on her that he wasn't upset.

"you're embarrassed, aren't you???" Jade asked with a goofy smile, slamming the table with the palm of her hand to get the troll's attention. He stirred slightly, but opted to stay right where he was.

"NO, I'M NOT. I MEAN, MAYBE," Karkat replied, bunching into himself like a deer caught in the headlights. "WHAT'S IT TO YOU, ANYWAYS? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M AT LEAST TRYING TO BE CIVIL HERE?"

Jade giggled and covered her mouth with a hand, trying to hide her amusement to avoid ticking the troll off further. "well," she continued, unable to hide that wide grin on her face. "perhaps it would be more civil to actually talk to the person in front of you instead of trying to avoid them? thats an idea!"

The troll hesitated for a moment to collect before facing her with an apologetic nod. "I GUESS REALLY FUCKED THAT ONE UP, DIDN'T I?" Karkat growled as he dug his fingers into the pits of his elbows. "IT'S JUST THAT I THOUGHT I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE ONE OF YOUR CULTURAL MORES AND I FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT ABOUT IT, OKAY?"

Jade quizzically turned the side of her lips upwards in confusion. "huh?? hugging a friend is normal in our culture! i think," she replied, using the opportunity to scoot her seat closer to the table. "i should be the one asking if that sort of thing is okay with you instead!"

"OF COURSE HUGGING IS NORMAL IN OUR CULTURE, WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT?" Karkat shot back with a slight twitch of his cheek. "I MEAN, WE'RE NOT COMPLETE FUCK UPS. USUALLY."

The human girl rolled her eyes and rose up from her chair, meandering over to where Karkat was sitting. "oh i dont know," she quipped before coming to a stop in front of the troll. "maybe its because youre so shy that it gave me the wrong impression? i mean you were going to hug me and then you got really dorky about it!"

Karkat grunted and tucked his chin in, averting his gaze away from Jade. "I CAME HERE TO DECOMPRESS AND RELAX, NOT GET A PSYCHOANALYTICAL LECTURE OF MY OWN EMOTIONAL STATE FROM A HUMAN." He narrowed his eyes, trying his best to keep his own temper in check. "I ALREADY HAD ENOUGH OF THOSE FROM ROSE FOR THE PAST SWEEP AND A HALF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

"hmmmmmmmm, that may be true," Jade responded with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "but it looks like you haven't gotten enough hugs if you ask me!!" And without skipping a beat, the girl encircled her arms around the troll's shoulders and squeezed him tight. Karkat scowled to himself and sighed, loathing his new lot in life.

"AND JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Karkat protested as he weakly kicked out his legs against the seat. "I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL STUFFED COMFORT DOLL, NOW LET ME GO AT ONCE. I COMMAND IT."

Jade closed her eyes and giggled, rubbing her cheek against Karkat's shoulder in glee. "oh i didnt think youd be so warm!" Jade paused and swiveled a leg over the troll's lap, straddling him in place while she kept her grip on him. "gosh youre just like a blanket!!"

Karkat's expression quickly shifted from one of minor annoyance to sheer dismay. He felt his forehead become damp with sweat with his limbs turning into limp noodles, unable to fight back. The troll attempted to stutter out something, anything to help take the edge off, but the words were lodged in his throat. The human girl was much lighter than she looked, even though her weight was still enough to keep him trapped against the chair. He could feel Jade's chest against his, her breath rushing across the skin of his neck, and the warmth of her body mingling with his. Many confused thoughts passed through his mind, each one more feverish than the last.

Jade, however, was not bothered by this in the slightest. She was still completely clueless to Karkat's inner emotional state, only seeking to pacify the flustered troll for the time being. "hehe did the dog get your tongue??" she coyly whispered, pressing her cheek against his without reservation. "theres no need to be a stick in the mud you know! here," Jade continued as she reached down and lifted up Karkat's idle arms, draping them across her waist. "see its not as bad as you think it is!"

The troll bit down on his lip, trying his best not to lose his calm. He was stuck in a weird dichotomic state; physically, he was comfortable. Mentally, he was intimidated and fearful, not of Jade, but of what he could do to mess everything up. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, Jade brought a finger to his lips and shushed him. "shhhhhh relax!" Leaning her face downwards, the girl gave him a small peck on the cheek before closing her eyes with a wink.

Karkat acquiesced with a muted grumble as he rested his head against Jade's shoulder. "(STUPID, LOUSY, SUPPORTIVE FRIEND— )," he muttered, only to be cut off by a swift pap on the cheek from the human. He might as well enjoy the moment while it lasted, especially since it was just the two of them and no one else. The troll was tempted to scratch the fluffy, white ears perched upon the top of her head, but he didn't want to overstep his boundaries.

But a suspicious glint caught his eye in a darkened corner of the room. Karkat gazed over Jade's shoulder, gently rubbing his palm against the curve of her back protectively. Glancing back, it appears that the girl has fallen asleep on top of him, using the nook of his neck and shoulder as a makeshift headrest. It looked like he was going to be stuck here for a while, but truth be told, he didn't mind.

Just as Karkat leaned back to get comfortable, a silhouette emerged in the doorway to the room, startling him. The man's expression was obscured by a pair of thick aviator shades, unreadable outside of a lone, raised eyebrow. Flashing the troll a quick thumbs up, he quietly faded back into the hallway behind him, leaving Karkat to stew in his barely self-contained rage.

The troll, however, could not find it in him to shout at the trespasser or even grumble quietly to himself, especially after having been discovered in such a compromising position. Maybe it was the fact that he didn't want to wake Jade up, or maybe it was her presence that helped to keep him in check. Whichever it might be, Karkat knew one thing for certain: that for once in his life, he was truly happy.


	2. Vacilliation of the Heart (Karkat / Kanaya)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original request: Kanaya/Karkat flushed/pale vacilliation. (Feelings jam, shooshpapping, internal monologues and hand holding.)

Karkat was exceptionally sour, more so than usual. He scowled at the partygoers setting up banners, decorations, and other doodads for the eventual arrival of the other two humans. The troll has had more than enough of the two that have been present for the past sweep and a half, especially the one with the dumb shades. Maybe he wouldn't be so bitter if Terezi wasn't all over Dave like a box of red chalk right now. Shoving his hands into his pockets with a grumble, he watched the two lovebirds fumble about each other in their haste to scribble awful art upon the walls.

This sucked, he thought to himself. There was still a psychotic clown on the loose and Kanaya has been wrapped up with Rose's drinking problems lately to be of any assistance. And to top it off, Sollux and Aradia only stop by every once in a while from whichever dream bubble hell they walked out from. It certainly doesn't help that she's always smiling like a complete creep with all this horrible shit going on either. He still can't believe that she was somehow better to be around when she was dead.

Gathering himself up, Karkat stalked out of the room with an air of disgust, taking care to avoid drawing attention to himself. The last thing he wanted to do was to answer yet another prying question, like where's he going or why isn't he helping out with sprucing the place up. And he couldn't answer it by saying he needed a breath of fresh air, because this forsaken meteor had none to speak of.

In the next room over, Kanaya sat by herself at a table, propping her head up with the palm of her hand. She had more than her fill of the status quo, between her matesprit turning into an alcoholic and having to give up her pursuit of the murderous clown. Any change would be a welcome respite, even if the dream bubbles do provide a reasonable distraction in the meantime. Glancing upwards, she noticed Karkat abruptly entering the room in a huff, scuffing his feet across the floor in his haste to get away from something. The jadeblood lifted a hand to get his attention, but his eyes were directly pinned on the floor in front of him in deep thought. Or rage, it's hard to tell with him sometimes.

"Excuse Me," she quipped, rapping the table with a knuckle to get the other troll's attention. "Is There Something The Matter"

Karkat snapped his head upwards to meet her voice, exhaling quietly to himself before replying. "EVERYTHING, THAT'S WHAT." He stomped over to where she was seated, slapping a hand on the table and pointing at the entrance to the other room. "HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO BECOME EVEN MORE MISERABLE WITHIN THE COMING HOURS? I KNOW I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE HERE COMING TO TERMS WITH THIS."

She turned her lips upwards and cocked her head to the side, confused as to what he meant. "Im Afraid Im Not Following," the troll spoke in her usual calm tone, gesturing for her visitor to take a seat next to her. "I Thought Our Eventual Gathering With John And Jade Would Be One Of Cheer And Not Melancholy"

Karkat's eyes peeked the chair next to Kanaya and then back up, deciding whether to remain standing or to accept her offer. Acquiescing for the meantime, he took a seat next to her and hunched himself over the table. "I THOUGHT SO TOO, UNTIL I CAME TO REALIZE JUST HOW FUCKING INSUFFERABLE THE HUMANS ARE." He dug his nails into the wood, grinding down on his teeth as he continued. "TEREZI'S INFATUATED WITH DAVE AND YOU'RE COOPED UP WITH ROSE, SO WHO THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A THIRD WHEEL? GAMZEE? THE MAYOR? AND NOW THERE'S GOING TO BE TWO MORE HUMANS. DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?"

Kanaya's upper lip twitched at the mention of Gamzee's name, but she checked herself with a click of her tongue. "I Understand How You May Feel About The Present State Of Everyones Romantic Endeavors Right Now," she replied with utmost sincerity, giving her undivided attention to Karkat as she straightened her posture. "But I Believe You Are Blowing Things Out Of Proportion Because Of Your Own Self Internalized Feelings"

He could only muster up a nod in agreement, staring straight down at his hands to evade making eye contact with Kanaya. "YEAH, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S JUST THAT IT FEELS LIKE NONE OF THE OTHERS REALLY WANT ME AROUND," he muttered. "IT'S PROBABLY NOT THE CASE BUT I FEEL LIKE A BURDEN WHENEVER I'M PRESENT, LIKE I'M THERE TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE FEEL ANNOYED." His head sunk lower, hovering mere inches away from the table. "YOU AT LEAST UNDERSTAND WHERE I'M COMING FROM, RIGHT?"

She hesitated for a moment before answering, carefully choosing her words to avoid making his mood worse. "Of Course I Do," she stated slowly, wrapping an arm around the back of his shoulders. Truth be told, up until recently, she was in the same position that Karkat was. Prior to meeting Rose, nobody ever considered what she had to say or what her opinion on anything was. They took her for granted, and she had to take it with a smile. "So Let Me Offer You Some Advice," she continued, half-smiling at the troll beside her. "As I Believe We Are Very Much In The Same Position Currently"

Karkat turned his head and peered at Kanaya with a raised eyebrow, not sure what to make of what she was trying to say. His eyes wandered down to the arm draped across his back, but he focused his attention back onto her. "OH, ARE WE NOW? I WASN'T AWARE THAT MISS RAINBOW DRINKER HERE IS SOMEHOW *NOT* IN A FLUSHED QUADRANT WITH HER PERPETUALLY INTOXICATED HUMAN MATESPRIT." 

Kanaya let out a heavy sigh and rubbed her temples with a hand, trying her best to take the image of a drunk, incoherent Rose out of her mind. "I Know You Must Be Feeling Rather Cross Presently But You Are Certainly Not Helping Your Case," she reprimanded with a squeeze of her hand, pinching his shoulder in an effort to get him to simmer down. "I Am Going Through Some Issues As Well So I Would Advise You To Listen To What I Have To Say" 

He grumbled, nodding quietly to let her continue. "Good," she whispered as she patted his back. From this angle, however, she never noticed just how delicate Karkat looked. Normally, his gruff attitude and posture made him appear more intimidating than he actually was, but not this much. It made her take a brief pause to put her thoughts back in order. "Hm How Shall I Put This," she pondered out loud, glancing down at her lap before continuing. "I Currently Feel As I Have Been Doing Nothing Constructive In My Relationships With Rose Or The Others For The Past Quarter Sweep" The jadeblood grimaced slightly, still harboring some resentment over the drunken mess that Rose has turned into. "And That I Actually Feel Much Lonelier Than I Ever Had Before" 

"WELL," Karkat interrupted with a sheepish look on his face, "I SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR MY OUTBURST EARLIER. I JUST KIND OF ASSUMED THAT YOU AND ROSE WERE STILL A THING AND THAT YOU WOULDN'T REALLY GET HOW UNFULFILLING EVERYTHING FEELS FOR ME RIGHT NOW." He lifted his head and straightened out his back, turning in his seat to properly face Kanaya. And even then, he couldn't bring himself to look her straight in the eye without nervously fidgeting about. It wasn't the fact that she was physically overbearing and fussy to be around, he was used to that. But Karkat never noticed just how gracefully she held herself. It was disconcerting to him, stirring up a muddled mixture of emotions that were anything but platonic. Snapping out of his brief reverie, he pushed those sentiments aside and picked up from where he left off, albeit with some added restraint. "IT'S LIKE I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHING WITHOUT MY FEELINGS GETTING IN THE WAY OR THAT THEY JUST DON'T CARE FOR ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. DAVE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT REALLY TALKS TO ME ANYMORE, AND EVEN THEN IT FEELS STILTED." 

Kanaya giggled, covering her mouth with a free hand to contain herself. "Nonsense," she replied, moving her other arm away from his back and back onto her lap. "You Assume Far Too Much Of Others To The Point Where It Proves A Hindrance To Your Self Esteem" She reached down and laid a hand upon his knee, leaving it in place. To be honest, she didn't quite know why she was being so zealous in making physical contact with Karkat. She almost never touched Rose in the same way, usually relegating herself to be the passive one in their relationship. And yet, here she had trouble restraining herself. Clearing her mind with a subtle shake of her head, Kanaya composed herself and continued. "But We All Care About Your Well Being Karkat And Nothing You Can Declare Or Carry Out Will Change That" She corrected herself with a smirk, briefly taking her eyes off of the troll in front of her. "Especially Me" 

"IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T FUCKING SEEM LIKE IT," he snapped back as he attempted to nudge his knee away from her hand. "YOU BARELY TALK TO ME ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS OFF CONSORTING SOMEWHERE WITH YOUR SPITBUDDY OR THE OTHERS, SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU *ACTUALLY* CARE ABOUT ME?" It seemed that Karkat's words stung deep as Kanaya's smile quickly faded into a pained wince. He didn't mean to come off so surly, but he couldn't contain himself. There was a pang of regret that shot across his stomach from what he said, but it was a bitter truth that the both of them had to swallow. Karkat knew that if he didn't bring it up, everything would go back to normal and nothing would change for the better. "BECAUSE I KNOW AS SOON AS OUR CONVERSATION IS DONE, WE WON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER FOR, WELL, WHO KNOWS HOW LONG? I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE SAT TOGETHER AND TALKED FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT SOME EXTRANEOUS BULLSHIT GETTING IN THE WAY." 

The jadeblood didn't know how to respond at first, glancing up at the ceiling, towards the floor, and then back at Karkat. For her, life became so routine over the past few years that she thought everything continued as normal. It hadn't occurred to her that she had been growing distant from him for so long. The last serious conversation they had together involved a broken light bulb and a missing Mayor, but she couldn't even remember when that was. "I See," she stammered out, having lost some of her usual composure as she squirmed nervously in her seat. "Is There Anything I Can Do To Change Our Current State Of Affairs Or," she paused and caught herself, flinching at her own words. It was a lame response, even by her standards. She shouldn't have even bothered to say anything. 

Karkat, on the other hand, took it as a serious invitation as he looked her straight in the eye with checked fury. "YEAH, I GOT A FEW GOOD IDEAS IN MIND. FOR ONE, YOU COULD AT LEAST TRY TO TALK TO ME WITHOUT MAKING ME INITIATE EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION." The troll tucked his arms against his sides and gripped the bottom of his seat, not once averting his gaze from Kanaya. "SECOND OF ALL, THIS WHOLE ROSE BULLSHIT? STOP IT, JUST STOP IT. I'M TIRED OF HEARING ROSE THIS AND ROSE THAT. I GET IT, YOU'RE SO FAR UP HER NOOK THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH WAY IS OUT, BUT WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT HER?" His eyes began to water slightly, not out of rage but pity. He hated the fact that he had to be the one to tell her this. She should be the one coming to this realization, not him. He shouldn't be the one to tell her. Trying his best not to choke up, he pressed onward. "AND LASTLY, YOU CAN AT LEAST APOLOGIZE. IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE SINCERE, BUT I JUST WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU SO I KNOW THAT *SOMEONE* ON THIS FORSAKEN ROCK ACTUALLY LISTENS TO ME." 

Calmly, Kanaya rose from her seat with a neutral expression, showing neither indignation nor sorrow from Karkat's tirade. He stood up onto his feet in response, unsure of whether she was trying to back out of the conversation or attempting to put him down. Before he could react, she drew her arms across his shoulders and brought him into a tight embrace, holding him in place. "Im Sorry," she whispered as she closed her eyes, brushing her cheek against his. "I Wish I Could Say More But This Will Have To Do" 

Karkat was at a loss for words. He wanted to say something in response, but he knew that if he did, he would muck it up somehow. All he could do was sob quietly into the crevice of her neck, letting his pent-up frustration drain out of his body. His translucent, red tears began to soak her shirt as he grasped onto her, unable to control himself. He felt like a complete fool. A moment ago, he was full of piss and vinegar, and now he was nothing more than a bawling shell of his former self, begging for forgiveness. 

Caressing the back of his head with a hand, Kanaya ran her fingers through his hair with a smile. There was a certain peace that was to be found in the arms of another, a rare respite from the bleakness of everything around them. However, there was something different in this embrace. She felt more protective than usual of Karkat, holding him as if he could break apart at any moment. And yet, it was not an entirely maternal feeling she held for him. It was something more than that; it was alien to her, yet reassuring. 

It seemed to have calmed Karkat down as well as his sobbing died down into heavy, labored breathing. He clutched the bottom hem of her shirt for support, trying to pull himself together before he spoke. There was no doubt in his mind that he looked like a complete wuss, but all the stress he had, all the anger and misery he had built up over the past sweep and a half, came flooding out. But just as he was about to speak, Karkat was greeted by a shush from the woman across from him. She pulled away with a quiet nod, gesturing towards the door with an encouraging, if coquettish, smile. 

"The Others Must Be Wondering Where We Are Right Now," Kanaya asserted, stretching out a hand towards Karkat. "Shall We" 

He wavered for a moment before accepting her gesture, clasping his hand with hers as their fingers intertwined with one another. The troll squeezed down on her hand, trying his best to appear confident despite the dried tear stains on his cheeks."YEAH, SURE, I GUESS," he answered with an uneasy smile, not quite eager to meet up with the others just yet. 

Kanaya took notice of this and leaned down, using the bottom of her sleeve to clean up Karkat's face while she hummed quietly to herself. He could only sit back and grumble to himself as he felt his cheeks contort and stretch about from her vigorous scrubbing. Satisfied with her handiwork, she took the still-flustered troll by the hand and lead the both of them towards the exit. 

But deep down inside, Karkat didn't mind being coddled like that. Because to him, it meant that someone truly did care about him in the end. And that's all he ever wanted. 


	3. Buffkat (Karkat / Muscles)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original request: Buff Karkat. (That's it, seriously. I did a humorous take on it to spice things up.)
> 
> Done for a Christmas art/writing exchange.

There were many trolls who were considered to be the epitome of physical fitness. One could gander in **TROLL MUSCLE MAGAZINES** and gaze upon the rippling pecs and bodily striations tucked away within those laminated pages. Be it Troll Arnold Schwarzenegger, Troll Franco Columbu, or Troll Dorian Yates tucked away within those tomes, one could gaze upon their chiseled physiques and marvel upon such elegance. Many trolls envied their bodies, even those who were born freakishly **STRONG** from the very start. Very few would ever hope to attain such mass in their lifetime, as they would have to dedicate their bodies to a strict, brutal training regimen and diet that would test their tenacity to its limits. But for the brave individuals that would undertake these trials in pursuit of the **ULTIMATE GAINS** , glory would await them should they succeed.

Said glory would take the trolls of the hallowed halls of the yearly **FLESH SYMPOSIUM** , where all the top athletes would gather and attempt to out-muscle one another through impressive feats of showmanship and visceral prowess. Countless individuals dream of competing in one of these prestigious events, vying for the favor of the capricious **HIGHBLOOD OVERLORDS** in order to secure victory. Each contestant, referred to as **GLADIATORMENTORS** , would fight tooth and nail in a ruthless test of endurance, from running a marathon through the **CORPSE SWAMPS OF GRAXBOL** to brawling amongst each other in the **CARNAGE FIELDS OF YANDRATOR**. At the end of the tournament, a winner would be chosen amongst the survivors and be given lordship over a planet of their choosing, along with an undisclosed amount of wealth to go with it. The rest would either be culled or taken in as servants and slaves for the highbloods, depending on how much they were favored by the hosts of the event.

One such aspiring athlete with a young upstart by the name of **KARKAT VANTAS**. While he feigned ignorance on the subject of athleticism amongst his friends, he secretly held a profound love for the art of bodybuilding, weight-lifting, and other noble sports such as **TROLL PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING**. He would pore over countless **FITNESS TABLOIDS** to find the latest and newest method or rumor to hone his body. Whether it was **CRISSCROSSFIT** or **O80W** , he tried every trick in the book to make his body like that of a Troll Adonis, not only for style but also for function! The troll remembered when he could barely open up a jar of pickles without assistance from his lusus, who would usually just cut it in half with those monstrous claws of his. Now, he could open up four, maybe five jars of grubsauce unassisted before he felt the burn on his fingers. Karkat could tear a **VOICE TRANSMITTER ADDRESS COLLECTION TOME** in half, even though he would need a head start and some leverage first.

Gazing longingly into the mirror in front of him, he tore off his shirt and experimentally flexed his left biceps, followed by his right. They were not yet the twenty-four inch pythons that he wished them to be; they were little more than half of that, lean and muscular, but the peaks were still a distant pipe dream. He didn't know what he was doing wrong. Every day in the morning, he would wake up at the crack of dawn, down five **PROTEIN SLURRIES** and then go for his usual five-mile run. He would come back, eat some more, and then go the local **MUSCLE HIPPODROME** to pump some iron before retiring to his hive for the day.

Karkat griped and grumbled to himself at the sorry state of his physical progress. Even when he twisted his torso and curved his abdominal muscles, they still looked leaner than he wanted them to be. Maybe because it was the fact that he was too young, or maybe it was the fact that he didn't have the right frame for it. Sagging his shoulders downwards in defeat, he sighed and slunked away from the mirror. But not without taking a quick look at the many grooves and valleys of his immaculately sculpted, sinewy back. If there was one thing the troll was especially proud of, it was his lats and traps. Even so, they were not enough to carry him through the judging phase of the **FLESH SYMPOSIUM** qualifiers alone.

Barring that, Karkat still had other ambitions to fall back on should his original plans fail. He frequently dreamed of being the breakout star of a romantic movie or story, where his matesprit would swoon for him at the sight of his herculean form emerging from the mist. The troll could see himself grace many a cheap smut novel's cover, like that of Troll Fabio at the height of his prime. For the more derivative novels, he could be painted over with the lower body of a noble hoofbeast, a centaur that galloped gracefully into the hearts of the readers, rippling from head to toe in all of its majesty. His strong body gracing every poster, sculpture, or written excerpt, a legend amongst lesser trolls. He would be seen as being fit to lead both the weak and the strong, culminating in his eventual honorary knighthood into the **THRESHECUTIONERS** for his contributions to troll society and art.

Slinking out of his respiteblock and into his alimentalcove, Karkat dug out a bottle of Grub-Aid from the hunger trunk, popping the lid off for a quick sip. Just as he did, however, a fresh batch of mail was slipped through the entrance of his hive. Setting his drink aside, he picked up the day's tabloid and scanned over the headlines for the day.

**"LOCAL JADEBLOOD ACCUSES TROLL PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING CEO OF FIXING MATCH OUTCOMES AND SCRIPTING FEUDS! CEO RESPONDS BY CALLING HER A STUPID MARK AND THREATENING TO SUE HER FOR WASTING HIS TIME!"**

**"TROLL WILL SMITH HAS DENIED ALLEGATIONS THAT HE HAS BEEN IN AN AFFAIR WITH FELLOW ACTRESS TROLL EVA MENDES ON MOVIE SET! IN PAST MONTHS, ANGRY FANS HAVE VOICED THEIR DISPLEASURE OVER THE ACTOR'S TURBULENT LOVE AFFAIRS BY MAILING DEATH THREATS AND POISONED GOODS TO HIS PRIVATE ESTATE!"**

**"TROLL GROWTH HORMONE SCANDAL ROCKS BODYBUILDING WORLD! SEVERAL STAR ATHLETES INDICTED AS BEING PART OF PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUG RING, POSSIBLE LIMEBLOOD INVOLVEMENT! EXCLUSIVE SCOOP INSIDE."**

Karkat's jaw dropped at the last headline as he hastily read onwards, scanning the massive wall of sensationalized text below. Countless reports of drug abuse, finger-pointing, paid judges, gag orders, it exposed the bodybuilding business in one fell swoop. All of the idols he followed were set to be put on trial, no doubt many are to be culled for their subversive behavior. All of the regimens he has tried before were now regarded as quackery, being little more than half-truths used to swindle unsuspecting juvenile trolls into buying into their tripe. His fingers trembled against the dry paper, unable to contain the building grief in his heart. He was being lied to this entire time, suckered in like everyone else who believed they could naturally achieve such girth and bulk.

Disgust filled his mouth like a rotten tartberry, poisoning his senses as he tore apart the tabloids and tossed the scraps aside. A crisis of faith overtook the core of his soul, his entire life goal having been shattered before his very eyes. He looked down at his bare torso and ran a hand across his brawny pecs in deep though, contemplating what to do next.

Perhaps drown his sorrows with copious amounts of **FROZEN DELICACIES**? Or perhaps mope about his hive and listen to some **DEPRESSIVE ALTERNIAN THROAT SINGING**. Nixing both of those ideas, he knew there had to be something positive to be found in this planet-shattering revelation. After shouting a couple of expletives in every general direction, he finally simmered down and began to actually think about where to go from here. He couldn't tell any of his friends, as they would not understand his plight. That, and they would probably think he's weird for liking such a thing.

It slowly dawned on Karkat that he was not one of these artificial constructs of hormones and rampant drug abuse. He was a legitimate mastodon, a vigorous powerhouse forged from years of dedication and hard work. His muscles may not be as grandiose as those of the mightiest warriors, but by average troll standards, he was exceptionally burly and rugged. One could tap his chest and it would feel like solid rock, a warm, yet comfortable boulder that one could lay their head on. He could be like a brooding Troll Ryan Gosling, mugging the camera at every possible opportunity and thawing even the most icy, blueblooded hearts with his dashing good looks.

Fate, however, had a different plan for him in store. While Karkat would never achieve his dreams of becoming an interstellar hotshot, he would instead play a game that would put the destiny of the entire universe within the palms of his hands. There, it would not be his physical strength that would be of importance to his session, but his **MENTAL FORTITUDE**. Unfortunately, none there would appreciate his **SICK GAINS** aside from a certain hoofbeast enthusiast.

But never did he forget his true passion. There will come a day when his swoleness will be accepted amongst his peers. Recalling the words of the legendary **TROLL RANDY SAVAGE, "THE CREAM WILL RISE TO THE TOP!"**


	4. Naughty Nightwear (Vriska)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original request: Short blurb about Vriska trying on fancy lingerie, borderline smutty.

Vriska's eyes wandered over to the pile of clothes on the seat next to her, letting out a sigh. She didn't want to get strung along but Kanaya insisted otherwise. In her words, Vriska needed to "Explore Her Sensibilities" if she wanted to impress that special someone. The waifish girl crossed her arms and idly spun about her chair, trying to take her eyes off the stack of lingerie.

Yes, lingerie. In her haste to get away from the coddling jadeblood, Vriska went and picked up a random assortment of clothes from Kanaya's wardrobe before retreating back to her room. She could always just go back and return them before picking out something more sensible, but then that would make her look like a fool. That, and she would have to admit that she messed up, which is unacceptable.

Standing up from her chair, the blueblood picked up a white, frilled brassiere from the top of the stack and briefly slung it over her shirt and jacket. These would be far more fitting on someone more chesty like Feferi or Terezi. But then again, there was no one else in the room to judge her. Strolling up to the cracked vanity mirror at the corner of her room, she tilted her head to the side and swung her body about, examining each possible angle.

Vriska grumbled to herself. This wouldn't do at all. Casting a cursory glance at her door, she placed the brassiere on a nearby rack and began to strip down. Tossing aside her jacket onto the floor, the troll hesitated for a moment as her fingers gripped the bottom hem of shirt. Collecting herself, she pulled off the black shirt and deposited on the floor, letting the cool air of her hive brush against her bare chest.

Snatching the brassiere off the rack, Vriska turned away from the mirror and began to dress herself. It was a gaudy thing, filled with numerous frills and transparent strips of fabric that revealed the ashen skin of her flat chest. With a small lock of the tabs at her back, she felt the straps of the brassiere tighten against her figure, but not uncomfortably so. She arched her back and stretched her arms upwards, looking inquisitively into the mirror.

"Oh," Vriska's mouth dropped in a mixture of shock and awe. Rolling her hands down the sides of her thin waist, she stopped her hands at the sides of her waist. She looked stunning, gorgeous even. Whipping her head to the side, she flipped the bangs of her messy hair over her left eye, punctuating it with a malicious grin on her lips. If looks could kill.

The troll's gaze settled back onto the pile of clothes, and then at her leggings below. Kicking off her shoes, Vriska stumbled towards the heap while encircling her fingers around both the waist of her pants and panties. She nearly tripped on the way back, hobbling awkwardly before managing to free one leg out, followed by the other. Depositing both articles on the floor, she scooped up the other matching half of the white lingerie's set: a pair of silken gossamer thigh highs and a high-nested, sheer fabric that could hardly be classified as a thong.

Strutting back to the mirror, Vriska wasted little time slipping into them. Furling the stockings upwards around each leg first, the blueblood curiously lifted a foot up and wiggled her toes. Numerous thoughts entered her mind, most of which caused a deep, cerulean blush to blossom on her cheeks. With this look, she could have anyone at her beck and whim, even if her figure might not be the most appealing.

Twirling the thong on her forefinger for a moment, Vriska ducked down and slipped her feet through the holes and pulled it upwards. She let out a shocked gasp as she pulled the undergarments up to her groin; it straddled the cleft of her mound and rear, leaving little to the imagination. Examining herself in the mirror, she plucked the white straps hugging her hips and shuddered, unable to contain her excitement. A proper femme fatale in the making.

And yet, there were still many more ensembles and combinations left to try out...


	5. You Got Mail! (PM / WV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original request: Cute PM / WV, with some lewdness involved. (PM's POV.)

On a dying planet, forgotten amidst the sands that covered the surface, a group of carapacians assembled before a shrine submerged in sand. For now, there were only three; there was to be a fourth, unbeknownst to those who were present. The first of which to arrive was the Aimless Renegade, who claimed the shrine as his home long before the others showed up. At first, he fought bitterly with the other two trespassers in his domain, seeing them as little more than criminals attempting to raid his home. After a fortunate incident involving a pumpkin, he laid down his arms and went out to meet his new visitors.

The Peregrine Mendicant, however, was still wary of their new host. Both her and the Wayward Vagabond narrowly escaped certain death from the seemingly endless hail of bullets and explosives he sent their way. And yet, here they were, sitting together in front of a bonfire. She didn't have much reason to complain. There was food to be had, warmth to be found, and company to be shared, even if there was a psychopath amongst them. Oh, and a firefly as well.

But as they traded their life stories and hobbies amongst each other, PM came to the realization that despite the myriad differences amongst each other, they all held one love in common above all: justice. What she considered to be justice had a different definition compared to what they believed in. For her, it was making sure the mail was always delivered on time. The gears of a functioning society could never turn unless proper communication can thrive and grow under it! Even so, she found it curious how the others held such similar passions. Indeed, every society needs to have a regulatory force and leadership to ensure that order is maintained. One cannot hope to maintain civility if law does not exist, after all.

What she found most curious, however, was WV's definition of justice. It was not one that was rooted in personal satisfaction or control, but of selflessness. To him, justice was to be found within the public, or as he called it, democracy. He love this "democracy" so much, that he modeled an entire town of cans in its image. She didn't know what that meant, even as he tried to explain it two times over, each poorly-worded attempt falling short of getting the point across. AR simply dismissed the notion as subversive and chaotic, as a king and queen are infinitely more reliable than the uneducated masses.

The mention of a king and queen incensed the Vagabond, but he shut himself up by digging into a can of stale, barely-cooked beans. The Mendicant didn't quite understand why he held such zealous fervor for this "democracy", but when she pressed him for answers, he shied away from it and tried to steer the topic elsewhere. But she's seen that distant look in his eyes before, the very same she's seen so long ago during the Reckoning. Many a carapacian died that day, so it was of little surprise to her that he might still be harboring some deep-seated trauma after all this time. Even if it did feel like it happened centuries ago, both figuratively and literally speaking.

AR began to grumble about not having enough food, having finished off the last container of canned chicken. He gestured to WV if there was any more meat left. The Vagabond nodded and pointed to the station he arrived in on, assuring his comrade that there was some left. And without so much of a thank you, the caution tape-clad Dersite absconded, leaving behind a trail of dust and sand in his wake.

Secretly, PM relished the fact that she was free of the gruff, law-abiding Renegade. Which, in hindsight, makes no sense. Whoever heard of a renegade that followed the law? She looked over at WV with a smile, which was also pointless, seeing as her mouth was obscured by the wrappings on her head. He replied with a confused look, tilting his head to the side with those wide, white eyes of his. Smooth, she thought. It was a rare opportunity to see another carapacian out in the wastes, much less one who wasn't completely insane. She forgot how much she enjoyed the company of another, because she has always put her job first and foremost in her life. It was a nice change of pace, even if it was only a temporary respite.

WV got her attention again with a cough, using the opportunity to ask what she was going to do after everything was said and done. She didn't quite understand at first, scratching the back of her hood in puzzlement. The stout Dersite clarified by inquiring if she was going to stick around or go off on her own again after the meal was over. She replied with a shake of her head, not yet having decided on her next course of action.

Silence settled over the makeshift bonfire, interrupted only by the crackling of the pyre before them. Staring blankly into the glow, the Peregrine Mendicant wondered quietly about her future. What would she do? Where would she go? She still wanted to fulfill her obligations as a courier, but at the same time, she did not wish to leave the company of the Vagabond. If it was just the Renegade, she would have no qualms with departing and continuing on her way. But there was something about WV that made her hesitate, something that she couldn't pin down about him.

Was it his charisma, his passion for leadership and camaraderie that attracted her like a moth to a flame? Or was it something else, a feeling that was completely foreign to her? She felt her heart flutter as she stole a glance of the carapacian beside her, unsure of how to deal with this newfound emotion. Truth be told, she never really had a love outside of the postal system. 

Was this what it was like to fall in love?

As she began to fall prey to the pangs of one's first crush, the Vagabond looked to be lost in his own thoughts. PM's heart began to race now as she took note of this, wondering if he might be feeling the same as well. She began to fidget in place, nervously wringing her fingers and digging her feet into the sand in an attempt to calm her nerves. Oh goodness gracious, he's looking right this way! Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, breathe in, breathe out.

The Dersite offered her his can of beans with a look of concern. He asked if she was feeling okay and if she had enough to eat. She waved it off with a nervous laugh, assuring him that everything was perfectly fine. Yes, perfectly fine! The Vagabond insisted that she have something to eat, judging from how pale she appeared. Paler than usual for a Prospitian, that is.

With some reluctance, she carefully reached out to grab the can from his hand, trembling the entire time. It's just a can, that's all it is. It's not like a fresh parcel or a love letter, right? As soon as her spindly fingers came in contact with the tin, she felt her hand brush across his, causing her to petrify on the spot. He didn't quite understand what her deal was and let go of the half-full can of beans. Not even one second later, the can tumbled from her grasp and sunk into the sand below. PM began to apologize profusely to WV, whipping herself up into a frenzy as she went to pick it up off the ground.

As she ducked down, she felt her head collide against something, making her instinctively recoil backwards. The Vagabond rubbed the front of his head, smarting from their collision as he picked up the can. PM could feel her heart sink to her stomach, grimacing from underneath the wrappings tied about her head. You really boned that one up, she thought to herself. Now he wouldn't take her seriously at all, especially given the way he was looking at her at this point. Great, just great! Her mind raced as she attempted to figure out a way to salvage the situation, wondering if it would be best to explain her feelings to him.

But what if he rejected her advances? Then everything would be even more awkward than before, and who knows what would happen once AR came back? She began to shake uncontrollably from the mounting stress, almost vibrating in place while her friend stared on in bafflement. She wanted to crawl up inside of her exoskeleton and die. Just moments ago, she was talking to him like a normal friend and now she couldn't even muster up the courage to speak.

The Dersite reached out and tapped her on the shoulder, concern written across his face. The Prospitian Mailwoman stopped and stood still, peering down at the Worried Vagrant. An idea flashed into her mind. During her travels, she discovered a human film called "You Got Mail", in which an enterprising bookstore owner attempted to win over the heart of his rival through secret arrangements and love. To be honest, she only watched the movie because it had mail in the title, and only because there was somehow a working VCR player nearby. Just remembering how the movie played out gave her a surge of confidence, something she knew would be infallible. Even if she was only acting on a crush, it was better to have tried than to have not at all.

In other words, she's going to have to seal the deal by going in for a kiss, even if that didn't quite exactly happen in the movie. Mentally preparing herself, she pulled down her hood, freeing her head from the gray wrappings. Before the Vagabond could even react, she grabbed him by the shoulders and went in for the kiss, clumsily mashing her mouth against his. He flailed about in shock, his eyes turning wide as dinner plates. Much to her relief, his initial panic quickly gave way into mutual affection, steadying himself in her arms.

For her, it felt like the kiss went on for an eternity, if only because she didn't know when it would be the right time to pull away. She was amazed by the fact that her plan worked, and on such short notice as well! Finally, the Prospitian pulled away to catch her breath, unable to contain the giddy joy bubbling underneath the surface. The Dersite, on the other hand, was too bewildered to even have an expression on his face. But there was still a hint of a smile upon his face, despite his otherwise vacant stare.

Trembling excitedly, the Mendicant took this as an invitation to push the envelope. Colloquially speaking, of course. Her hands trembled as she began to sift her fingers past the sand-blasted wrappings on his body, eagerly grabbing at the supple, yet firm black carapace underneath. She briefly thought of taking off the mayoral sash on his figure, but knowing him, he would insist on leaving it on. The Vagabond was uneasy, squeezing his fingers against her waist idly, as if afraid of overstepping her boundaries. She gave him a knowing nod, moving closer to him and assuring him that nothing is off-limits.

She almost wanted to slap herself in the head from what she just said. You nincompoop, she thought to herself, you're jumping too quick on him! You barely even know the guy and you're already going postal with feeling him up! There's a chance you might not even like him in the long run! Her doubts were swiftly dashed by the sensation of his hands pulling apart some of the bandages across her torso, followed by his sharp, pointed fingers trailing across her carapace. The intimate contact sent her mind into a spiral, making her lose whatever confidence she built up. Her knees swayed and then buckled into the sand, forcing the two of them to meet eye-to-eye.

It felt like time came to a standstill as they gazed into each other, their faces beginning to close the gulf between them to meet in another kiss. And just as their lips were about to make contact once more, a loud bang startled them and forced them to let go of one another. AR's voice was heard in the distance, shouting incoherently at something, followed by a spray of bullets into the air. They hastily fastened their wrappings back on, sharing a mutual look of dread as they seated themselves back down in front of the fire.

Seething and simmering with rage, the Mendicant glowered over at the direction of the gunfire. The Renegade spoiled a perfectly good moment, and now he was due to come back at any moment. Her anger subsided when she took a glance at the Vagabond, who soothed her with a quick nod and smile. She let out a sigh of relief and slumped against the boulder behind her, glad that she has someone to keep her in check. She almost wanted to apologize for coming onto him like that, but she kept her silence in case the Renegade overheard them. Besides, judging from his body language, he seems to have taken the earlier affection remarkably well. Gazing up at the stars above, she gave quiet thanks to Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan for allowing her to find true love.

With another obnoxious pop of a firearm, AR moseyed over to the campfire, a stack of cans in one arm and a pistol in the other. He mumbled something about a robotic worm and a grate, plopping himself down and scattering sand about him. PM furrowed her brow and clenched her fists, having half a mind to go knock his self-pompous block off for disturbing the peace. But in the end, she couldn't bring herself to hate him, it wasn't his fault after all. 

Scooting herself closer to the others, the Mendicant offered to help open some of the cans, much to the Dersites' delight. And while she could not resist exchanging a few flirty glances with the Vagabond late into the evening, she decided that it would be better to cover up those feelings for the meantime. She never had the opportunity to really confess to him properly, seeing as she hit a metaphorical double off the home plate and scampered straight to second base without once slowing down.

Maybe one of these days she could summon enough courage and finally open her heart to him. But for now, she was content with being amongst the company of friends and good cheer. After all, what's the worst that could happen?


End file.
